January 2004
Eureka!
There are over six million inventions lurking in the United States Patent Office’s files. Here are a few of our favorites.
By Todd Katz

After beer number four, ideas come to a man. Suddenly, world peace seems attainable, or the device that enables you to instantly reach the perfect water temperature in the shower hits you like a golden bullet. Naturally, the first thing we do is tell our buddies. “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard,” they respond. You’d do the same for them. But luckily we are Americans…individuals…dreamers. We get visions stuck in our heads, and we must pursue them, bar critics be damned. Over its 200-year history, the U.S. Patent Office has issued more than 6.5 million patents—about 89 per day. We invent more than all the other countries in the world combined. That’s why we have Martian landers, pop-up porn ads, and the Magic 8-Ball, while Ireland has only the potato. In the spirit of American invention, we’ve plumbed the Patent Office’s vast files and discovered a few gems you may not have heard of. Go ahead and scoff, but while their buddies were sitting on their asses, these inventors turned their stoner ideas into reality, got rich, and now…well, they’re sitting on their asses. Oh, you get the point.

4. Bombs Away Patent 5934226 Polly want a crapper? No need to leave the nest…

What the hell is it? Why were pirates always after treasure? Dry-cleaning bills, matey—you try letting a parrot live on your shoulder. Hence the bird diaper. “You have to think outside the cage,” quip inventors Mark and Lorraine Moore. Available in four styles, the diaper saves your shirt whenever a bird dive-bombs you.

Why you gotta have it: Both Moores were in the U.S. Navy and did hard time at sea…a.k.a. Sea Gull Central. “I’ve had a lot of ribbons on my uniform, but I could’ve done without the ones made of poop,” says Mark.

Suggested improvement: None—these birdbrains have grossed over a million dollars. No sh!t.